Growing up, church was really seen more as a chore rather than something to look forward to. I’m not Baptist so luckily I didn’t have to sit through a full day of church shelling out money two-three times in one sitting. But I must admit I wish I could’ve grown up with that music. As a former aspiring singer, you don’t get to do much singing (at least not the kind I like) in a Lutheran church. (Yes, I’m Lutheran.) And for those who aren’t familiar, a Lutheran Sunday service is much like a Catholic service without the Hail Marys. And I shamefully have to admit when I was younger I hated going to church. I have to use such a strong word because that’s how I felt. While most kids loved Saturday, I dreaded it because I knew after Saturday comes Sunday—always. And what I didn’t understand was why me and my sister had to go to church and no one else. Well, I was told I had to “pay my dues” like everyone else had did and then I’d get my chance to sleep in on Sundays. So, that’s why I saw church as a chore, something I had to do but didn’t enjoy nor looked forward to.
And now I’ve let this whole “dues thing” get in the way. I used college as an excuse as to why I couldn’t go to church. “Oh, I have no ride there” or “I haven’t found a church home yet” or better yet “I’m not looking for a church home, I’ll just go back to mine when I can.” But now I feel as if something’s missing. I need that spiritual fulfillment. In fact, I crave it. But it really is hard finding a new church home. I grew up in a mixed church that was very welcoming.
I honestly don’t care what denomination church I attend, though my significant other keeps driving for a Baptist church. That’s fine. But predominately black churches never fared well with me. Its as if you’re always an outsider unless you were damn near born in the very pew you’re sitting in. I hate the all eyes on me vibe. But nonetheless, as I’ve grown in my faith I’ve deemed the stares to be unimportant.
But yet I still have no church home and can’t remember the last time I’ve been to church. Now I’m not saying church is mandatory for a relationship with God because its not. I still pray everyday I don’t need a sanctuary to do that. But it’s just something about being in the House of the Lord that brings me a sense of calm—a sense of calm that’s really been missing in my life since my long absence from church.
I have not forgot I’ve just gotten lazy but I know I really need to make my way back to Him.
